Hogwarts Funnies
by LadyAsh5869
Summary: A series of drabbles, all about stupid stuff that happened "Offscreen" In the world of Harry Potter. A lot of stuff involving Lucius and Severus, because they are my favourite charecters. There may be some crosses with Sweeney Todd. Enjoy!
1. Naked

**Lucius and Severus get drunk. Naked wrestling ensues.**

Lucius punched me in the face.  
"OW!" I put a hand to my cheek, and glared at him."What was that for?" I muttered, rubbing my face.  
"I thought I saw a fly!" He replied cheerily.  
"You thought you saw a fly..." I murmured.  
"I thought I saw a fly." he confirmed, grinning stupidly at me.  
"You...thought you saw a fly..." I repeated, wondering just how dumb one person could be.  
"You...thought you saw a fly..."  
"What the-?"  
"What the-?"  
"Fuck!"  
"Fuck!"  
"Stop that!"  
"Stop that!"  
"Lucius I swear...."  
"Arent we playing a game?"  
"No..."  
"Oh."

"You thought you saw a fly..." I snorted, running my hand through my hair.  
"You thought you saw a fly..." He snorted, running a hand though his hair.

I tackled him.  
We wrestled around on the floor.  
Naked.  
I think Im hallucinating.  
I hope I am.


	2. In the tub

"Lucius, Bathtime!"  
"NO!"  
I sighed as Lucius streaked past me, wearing bunny pyjamas, and giggling madly.  
"Lucius.... C'mon, in the bath."  
"NO! I dont wanna Severus. And YOU CANT MAKE ME." He jumped on the couch, and started to bounce.  
"One more time, and I swear-"I began, but was cut off by an idea. AN ingenious idea. One that made me smile. A little.  
Im a wizard.  
"Petrificus Totalus!" I murmured, pointing my wand at the blond, who had jumped off the couch.  
I levitated him to the bathroom, and dropped him uncerimoniuously into the large, claw footed tub.  
Undoing the bindings, I laughed as Lucius sputtered and glared at me. Sighing, I pointed my wand at the tub, and spouted bubbles onto the blond. Lucius giggled, and clapped his hands.  
I sighed, and rolled my eyes.

AN HOUR LATER

"Lucius, time to get out!"  
"NOOO!"

Oh Merlin.


	3. Heavy breathing

Severus Snape was sleeping peacefully, when suddenly, with no regard to the fact that he hasnt got a phone... his phone rang.  
Groggily, he reached for the strange plastic device, and held it to his ear.  
"Hello?"  
As he sat, waiting for an answer, he began to hear breathing. Heavey breathing. He listened closely, trying to pick up any words.  
The heavy breathing continued, and Severus whispered "Hello? Who is this?"  
There was no answer, but the breathing got louder.  
"I swear, if this is a student..." He began threateningly.  
The breathing got louder, and suddenly, something miraculous, and quiet genius occured to Severus Snape.  
"Oh, hello Lucius!"


	4. Smart Blonde

"Hey, Severus," Lucius said to Severus, an uncharacteristically big grin on his face.

"What is it, Lucius?" Severus replied, putting down his glass.

"Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?"

Severus sighed, and shrugged. "I dont know. Why?"

Lucius giggled gleefully, and replied "You have to hollow out the head!"

Severus rolled his eyes, and picked up his drink.

"Hey, Severus?"

"What, Lucius?" Severus sighed, exasperatedly.

"What did the blonde do when she found out 90% of accidents occur in the home?" Lucius asked, rubbing his hands together.

"What, Lucius?" Severus asked, rolling his eyes.

"She moved." Lucius replied, giggling and tossing his hair.

"Lucius?" Severus set down his drink, and adopted his 'You're an idiot' expression.

"Yes?" Lucius replied, grinning at his own wit.

"You're blonde."

"Oh." Lucius said, looking puzzled for a second. Then, his expression changed to a happier one."But Im a smart blonde."

Severus snorted. "Hey, Lucius, what do aliens and smart blondes have in common?"

Lucius leaned forward, looking intruiged, and glad that Severus was playing his game, finally. "What?"

"You hear about them, but you never see them."


	5. Spazzy

Severus Snape was enjoying a quiet evening alone, when a knock sounded at his door. Sighing, he stood, and went to answer it.

"Oh, hello Lucius! How are-"  
"Hi."

Lucius Malfoy stood at Severus's front door, covered in random objects.  
"Come in, come in." Severus ushered his friend inside.

Lucius stepped inside, and plucked a peice of toast from his sleeve.

"Who did this to you!" Severus asked, watching as Lucius pulled a fork out of his hair.

Lucius shook his head, and a spool of yarn dropped onto his shoulder and onto the floor.

"Narcissa?" Severus guessed, as Lucius pulled a sock from his leg, and shook his head.

"Draco?" Severus mused. Lucius shook his head again, and wiped some strange green substance from his cheek.

"Did you get a new house elf?" Severus wondered. Lucius nodded, and tryed to pluck bright purple hair from his robes.

"Oh."Severus shook his own head, and ushered Lucius inside. Lucius sighed, and in a very un-Malfoy way, shook his left leg. A bunch of marbles clunked to the floor.

Severus winced, and looked away.

It was then, that Lucius spoke.

"His name is Spazzy."


End file.
